If you are, as I am, old enough to remember a childhood before constant threats of violence in schools, massive terrorist attacks and Dance Moms, but also young enough to have missed out on the larger parts of the Cold War, Vietnam or any of the many wars, really, then you remember a time where the scariest fucking thing that could happen to you was to be cornered by a King Cobra (Ophiophagus hannah). It is true. Think back far enough, and at some point, we children of the early to mid 80’s had a genuine fear of King Cobras. They stand up with their hoods out and hiss at you, then bite you a bunch of times and you die. But FIRST, they have a hypnotizing effect on you, at least that is what I remember from some stupid book I had to read as a kid.* This is not listed as a Fast Fact on the best source on the Internet for King Cobra information, Cobras.org, so I can’t verify it, but I remember several instances where snakes (especially King Cobras) hypnotized people. (See also: Aladdin for Sega Genesis.) Continue reading
Some of you may be shocked to find out that my posts on kittensharks aren’t supposed to be exclusively about making fun of things that Rob likes. Sometimes I write about things I used to like but pretty much can’t stand anymore. Today I’m going to write about a third type of topic: Something Rob likes that I am in complete agreement on.
I don’t really know how it happened. It was all kind of a blur to me. Rob came to our place for what I had expected to probably be a night of watching Rifftrax or perhaps playing some Beerio Kart, when he blurted out that he wanted to join in some online trivia show. I can’t remember if I actually face-palmed myself or if I just really wanted to at the time. I’ve got nothing against trivia shows and nothing against things Rob likes (despite all evidence to the contrary on the latter), it’s just that when Rob gets into something, he gets into it in such an intense way that I’ll dislike it because I know it isn’t possible for me to enjoy it as much as he does. I secretly envy him. (Okay, it’s not a secret.)
My fellow kitten shark, Jason, started this series on how to be cool. I felt it was indeed necessary to branch out with his idea and here I am now to explain how Skateboarding will make you cool.
First off though, you can’t just have any skateboard you buy from Target or Walmart, you need to go out and buy one of those ridiculously expensive ones like Element, Birdhouse, Enjoi, etc. Just google skateboard brands. Being cool isn’t something that comes free. You need that $70 deck and then all of those expensive parts. Which brings me to my next step, you must buy the parts separately. Buying everything all in one will just convince people you don’t know anything about the parts. So either put it all together yourself, or pay someone to do it for you. Paying someone is different than buying it all put together because it shows you have money, which is another way on how to look cool so its basically a two in one package.
Now that you have the skateboard, you need the clothes, which will involve more money. As long as you look like Pac Sun or Zumiez puked on you, your fine.
It doesn’t hurt to know how to skateboard unless you want to be one of those poser, and you can’t be cool if your a poser.
Once thats all set, just hang out at the skatepark from sunrise to sunset with other skateboarders and make sure people see you! Once you rule the skatepark feel free to conquer any public places like parks, parking lots, somebody’s front steps, ANYWHERE. Your cool at this point so you can do whatever the f*ck you want.
If you want to be cool, try out skateboarding.