How to be an Asshole: Fun Ways to Annoy Your Boyfriend!

Like any girl in love, I know that there are times to be a good girlfriend and times to be myself (an asshole).  I try to maintain a healthy balance in order to avoid being too nice or being too big a jerk because either can result in disaster; the former will make Nick suspicious that I want something while the latter could go beyond him thinking my attitude problem is cute and make him break up with me and/or kill me.  There is a happy medium, and it is called “adequately nice.”  What do I mean?  I should think it is obvious, but I will explain.

Being too nice to people after having established that you are, as in my case, kind of an asshole, can hurt them.  How?  In Nick’s case, he is also an asshole, so he knows that if I am being a touch too sweet for too long and for seemingly no reason, I want something that will probably cost him effort and/or money.  In the case of other people, it could encourage false hope in their hearts that you have changed and are becoming a nice person.  This is worse than making Nick think I want something.  Don’t do that.  In the first place, I almost always do want something, so I’m not creating a false belief; in the second place, you probably aren’t going to change so why are you toying with people’s emotions?  (There’s being an asshole and there’s being a douchebag, douchebag!) Continue reading

How To Be Cool, step 01: Take up Smoking!

Whether you smoke cigarettes, cigars, or even pipe tobacco, one thing is definitely true: smoking makes you look really cool.

Sure, it poses health hazards and over time slowly murders you, but there’s no denying that while you’re doing it, you look friggen awesome.

One might think that the tobacco industry would come up with safer cigarettes, but that would take away some of the coolness factor. When you’re smoking, you don’t give a crap about what you are doing to yourself: you are simply exhibiting a small portion of how awesome you are.

As a society we work to persecute our smokers. Lawmakers and angry parents with nothing better to do spend countless hours and millions of dollars inconveniencing smokers everywhere just because they’re uncool douchebags, and rather than become cool people themselves, they choose to hurt and attack the American Elite and Trendy.

Now, some people try to smoke to be cool, but they do it wrong. Just being able to smoke isn’t enough. One should take careful consideration into making sure that they are only smoking when it’s awesome to do so. Continue reading