Nikki Dinki is Amazing and Should Have a Show on Food Network

Is apparently also a supermodel

Is apparently also a supermodel

Food Network Star is a very special show, as far as I am concerned. I got hooked during the 2012 season, and it was something that punctuated what I will probably always consider to be the most amazing and magical Summer of my life.

Every Sunday I look forward excitedly to sitting down on the couch with Zelda and any of the other Kittensharks who happen to be around, turning on Food Network, and then throwing out all kinds of reactionary tweets for one intense hour. The tweeting about it is crucial to the experience. I’ve annoyed my real life friends (sucks to be you, @e_of_pi!), Made some new friends (shout out especially to @Rachaven, who is awesome), and gotten myself blocked by Giada (a Kittenshark rite of passage).

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Nikki Martini

Nikki Martini

In honor of Food Network Star contestant Nikki Martin, who was sadly eliminated in last week’s episode, the kittensharks have created a recipe for a martini with grilled.  We forgot to bring our gin to the tiki bar, so it was made with vodka.  Half-assed recipe follows:

 

 

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Nikki Martin is Amazing and Should Have a Show on Food Network

So, tonight we learned that Nikki Martin was eliminated from Food Network Star.  If you

Nikki Martin

know anything about kittensharks, then you know that we are obsessed with Food Network Star.  (If you don’t know anything about kittensharks, then you are a jackass.)  Kittensharks are traditionally #TeamAlton because, as you know, we are huge fans of Alton Brown.  However, through a series of tweets with Nikki Martin, we learned that she is a classy and interesting lady who has some stuff to teach us about grilling food.

Tonight, I was extremely disappointed to see her removed from the running in place of Michelle on Bobby Flay’s team.  I think it was a huge mistake in the producers’ decision.  Nikki might not be everyone’s idea of “classic” food show host, but she is attractive, interesting and informative.  Which is what one ought to want in an informative food show.  I don’t eat meat, but I would be interested in some of her tips on grilling vegetables.  I don’t know what any of the other contestants would have to say on this subject because they don’t seem to care.  I think Nikki does.

I’m going to launch a campaign to get a Nikki Martin Show on Food Network.  I think you should join me.  Yeah?  Do it.

If you are interested in joining, email zelda@kittensharks.org or start tweeting @FoodNetwork that you want a #NikkiMartinShow immediately!  Nikki is a classy lady and has a lot to teach us.  As a Food Network viewer, that’s what I’m looking for.  What about you?

How To Be Cool, step 01: Take up Smoking!

Whether you smoke cigarettes, cigars, or even pipe tobacco, one thing is definitely true: smoking makes you look really cool.

Sure, it poses health hazards and over time slowly murders you, but there’s no denying that while you’re doing it, you look friggen awesome.

One might think that the tobacco industry would come up with safer cigarettes, but that would take away some of the coolness factor. When you’re smoking, you don’t give a crap about what you are doing to yourself: you are simply exhibiting a small portion of how awesome you are.

As a society we work to persecute our smokers. Lawmakers and angry parents with nothing better to do spend countless hours and millions of dollars inconveniencing smokers everywhere just because they’re uncool douchebags, and rather than become cool people themselves, they choose to hurt and attack the American Elite and Trendy.

Now, some people try to smoke to be cool, but they do it wrong. Just being able to smoke isn’t enough. One should take careful consideration into making sure that they are only smoking when it’s awesome to do so. Continue reading

To All Food/Cooking Program Hosts:

First, I want to tell you that almost no one enjoys food programming more than I do.  In fact, I spend a lot of time watching almost anything on Food Network or Cooking Channel.  (Side note: props to Food Network for remembering its roots and making another channel specifically to actually show more cooking shows and not reality television; that is very Discovery Channel-creating-TLC-circa-late-90’s of you.)  It is partly because I spend so much time watching these shows that I feel comfortable making the following complaints; I certainly have the epistemic privilege to do so, having spent entire hungover Saturdays every week often enough to gather evidence of your hosts’, well, let’s call them annoyances.

I don’t care about the host’s personal life.  If I did, I would google them and look at their wikipedia page like any other person who has been alive for five seconds.  When a show is based almost completely around whatever he or she is pretending to do that day with whomever they mention (I’m looking at you, Giada), it makes me want to cook whatever he or she is making just so I can throw it at the TV.  Or start tweeting details about my personal life at them until they realize how annoying it is and block me.  (Do not test me on this, Food Network personalities.  I’ve done it already, and it worked.  Ask Amanda Freitag.) Continue reading