My 5 over 50. A revelation. For America.

For my inaugural post to KittenSharks, I’m going to reveal some truly, deeply personal information, for I feel that this is an introduction, and I believe that when one is presented with an introduction, they should drop some truly personal information on the unsuspecting douchebag to which they are being introduced, so that one has the advantage of being a more welcoming and personal friend than the other. Take that, new friend! That being said, I’ve decided to open up about a subject that most people wouldn’t normally touch upon.

Now, if you were to look at the “following” page on my twitter account you would probably not believe me in the slightest, but I believe that in some instances, that there are many women of truly striking beauty and fabulousness who are over the age of fifty. Actually, if you checked my twitter account you would find that the people I talk to the most are my best friend, a dude who is almost definitely as weird as I am, and a pair of teenage girls who won’t see their 20’s until long after I am dead. (I’m reasonably certain the lifestyle I lead will end with an unfortunate death in less than 2 years.)A relatively small part of the world population is talking about the aformentioned super important group of people, and for that there is a real shame. I am writing today to present my opinions and thoughts on this small (and ultimately irrelevant*) selection of the population. I was particularly inspired this morning when I watched an episode of 30 Rock on my DVR this, and felt overwhelmingly inspired to share my own personal stance on the situation.

It should be noted, however, that two of my top five were born in the 1950’s, and the other three were born in the 1930’s. No one, and I repeat, no one, unless it’s brought to my attention later, was born in the 1940’s.

I should state at this point that I know nothing about these people except seeing them in televison and film, and that my opinions are pretty much consisting of nothing but sexist trype. If that is not your scene then maybe you should stop reading, or possibly read even harder because I hate you. Both are great options.

1. Mary Tyler Moore

First up on my list is Mary Tyler Moore. At 75, she is still pretty smokin’. Dick Van Dyck was definitely doing something right when he picked this lady as his TV wife. She’s a pretty cool, even though no man in his right mind would have wanted to be married to her character on the show. (Nobody wants to hear their name yelled in that fashion. “Oh! Robbbbbbbbb!” That would be the worst,)

Years later, she would continue to be breathtaking on the Mary Tyler Moore show, and everything else she ever took part in, including such films as X-15 and something or other with Julie Andrews (who I’m not going to lie, stood a chance at making this list). But what really puts her on this list, is the fact that she admitted in her memoir After All that she was a recovering alcoholic. Maybe it makes me weird, but something like that really just “does it” for me. I don’t understand why.

II. Karen Allen

Appearing second on my list is the first of two ladies born in the 1950’s rather than the 1930’s. Showing her lovely smile in such films as Raiders of the Lost Ark and National Lampoon’s Animal House I can remember the first time I saw her on December 31, 1995 in the latter of those two films. I was watching it on TBS or TNT or USA or some garbage, so consequently I missed out on 85% of the film, and also I was drugged out of my mind on painkillers as I had broken my arm and only had it reset earlier that day. I remember shouting “Happy New Year!” at the stroke of midnight. Also that was the first time I ever felt truly, undisputably alone. Except for Karen Allen. She was there for me.

THREE. Barbara Eden

Growing up, I loved seeing every second that I had the ability to of I Dream of Jeannie (on Nick at Nite). Infinitely Superior to Bewitched, Barbara Eden was hotter and prettier (different scale), and in too many ways she was so much more fun to watch than Elizabeth Montgomery. Now, I have nothing negative to say of Elizabeth Montgomery. She was wonderful. Her lovely nose wiggle is not something I will ever forget. However, Barbara Eden’s loveliness shined on forever despite those shitty post-Jeannie TV movies in which Larry Hagman wanted no part. They will forever crush the awful Will Ferrell/Nicole Kidman remake of Bewitched.

The humor was better. The writing was more immature. I don’t know how real the I Dream of Jeannie/Bewitched rivalry was, because I wasn’t there. However, I do know this: If Barbara Eden called me up and asked me out on a date I would definitely say yes. If Elizabeth Montgomery called me up and asked me out, I’d be worried, because she died in 1995. I wouldn’t go out on a date with a zombie. I would definitely go out on a date with Barbara Eden, though.

4×1. Mary Steenburgen

Mary Steenburgen is by and far, the reason I decided to write this article. I saw her in an episode of 30 Rock today and holy crap, she’s still super hot. I’m young enough that the first time I ever saw her in a film that it was Back to the Future III. However, I can say with full conscience that I would watch any film she appeared in, were I to be channel surfing and see her showing up in something.

Actually, it’s rare that you see a pair of actors in a film together and they portray what you might be able to believe is true love. However, I have always looked at what I believed to be true love as the relationship between Dr. Brown and Clara Clayton. I think it’s really awesome knowing that in real life she’s married to Ted Danson. I watched an episode of CSI that he was starring in this week and it was pretty cool. If you ever think things are going south with him, give me a call, Mary.

Fi-high-five. Barbara Feldon

I really don’t know how to begin with Barbara Feldon. She changed my whole life, and there is a reason I saved her for last in this article. I actually threw fits of rage when the Get Smart remake came out. I understand and truly appreciate what Hollywood was getting at when they picked Anne Hathaway to play her in the remake. However, everyone knows that Christy Carlson Romano was the best choice to play Agent 99 in the film. Christy Romano had the overbite that Anne Hathaway couldn’t fake if she wanted. Also, Barbara Feldon was supposed to be in it the movie at some point. Bernie Kopell was, and he’s not Barbara Feldon. Why not? I don’t understand.

I specifically went out of my way to to use different ways to number each of these women while I wrote this article tonight because I think there is no way that a person should rank other people. On a similar note, I just want to say that Barbara Feldon is definitely the most beautiful on this list, and that she set a standard against which all women I ever meet in my life will be compared against. Most of the blame belongs with Barbara Feldon. The rest belongs with Mel Brooks. I really feel bad for any girl I ever choose to date. She’d better be really Barbara Feldon-y. Actually, that’s not a problem. I wouldn’t date any girl who wasn’t.


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