So. Ive seen the first episode of Game of Thrones and that’s it. All I can say is there were some thing I could get behind like attempted child murder and others I counted like sister-banging.
I’m sitting in the central hub of all things important in Plymouth with two of my fellow kittensharks Ashley and Zelda with the smell of pasta and garlic wafting threw the air as I sip on a mixture of gin, cherry seltzer water and red bull, also known as my typing potion. What have I become?
I shall now press on and watch episode 3. Lord Snow. Go!
– I missed the first I dunno, 15 minutes or so of the show as I took two quizzes to find out what house I would belong too. I got Tully, on both. I have no idea who they are.
7:33 – There is some blonde chick leading an army of people who look like they were extras from “The Road Warrior” and I have no idea who they are or what there doing.
Now I see a blonde guy and a girl in a tub, she is sensually and erotically cleaning him. I assume they are related.
I’m still trying to find out what kind of show this is. Lady just dumped hot wax on blonde guy but he didn’t even seem to notice. No homo but his chest is so smooth looking I;m sure its not the first time hot wax has been applied there.
Oh – lady was a prostitute. A “pleasure worker”. And now there banging as he talks about battle and skulls. Is this blood porn? If so its only 3 Ipads, a rich family from Duxbury and 2 screaming kids away from working at a Best Buy. Oh he hired her to teach his sister how to bang and hes taking her for a “test drive”. I hope to god he’s not banging his sister. Zelda says he isn’t but my gut says otherwise.
7:41 Did I just see a black guy?
7:42 Shivakamini Somakandarkram I just Shiva Blasted. Yeah. I said it.
7:47 Fat dude with a neck beard/chinstrap. I know its not set in our timeline/universe but if it was I’d imagine its the 1300-1400’s. I like how regardless of what time and universe your in fat dudes will still use chin straps in a vein attempt to define a jaw line.
Turns out his name is Sam. Turns out no matter if your a hobbit or from game of thrones Sam is the name of tubby people.
Yobin also just commented on his name at the same moment. I felt I needed to mentioned that. Drink. (7:51)
Holy shit it’s December 28th. Thanks Zelda for reminding me what day/month/year it is.
7:57 Zelda just said Tully is pretty good and Stark may be better. Stark I’m assuming eventually makes a robotic suit that give Robert Downy Jr. the ability to fight super villains which is pretty awesome.
7:59 Chinstrap is training with swords right now. They made some other dude step in cause he was pussy footing around and that guy just faked getting his ass beat. I ended talking with Yobin and Zelda about some other show that I have higher expectations for so I have no idea how this scene ends.
8:03 (or 8:16 depending on what clock you look at. Yobin pointed out the clock in my room is a half hour fast and my computer is 15 minutes behind so I never where I’m supposed to be) Jason has arrived back at the compound and I gave him exactly three sips of my typing potion. Their are 3 ingredients to this and he guessed the first 2 by flavor and the third by knowing I will always choose Gin over Vodka given the option.
8:12 Some white boy just got a splinter of death. Holy shit. I was eating pasta and damn, some dude in a tuna can just exploded.
8:something. I was itching my socks (peeing) and I came out and the episode ended.
And so my typing ends, another night well spent and another month taken off my life. I’ll leave you with the results of quiz. And remember, go home America – You’re drunk.
——Which House In Westeros Do You Belong To?
Family always comes first. You fall upon any blade to save those you care about. Parents, siblings, grandparents, cousins, sons and daughters…they mean the world to you! But that doesn’t mean that you spend your life doting. You can love your family and be distant, still, and allow them to make their own choices (with the exception of one meddlesome, insane, former Tully we all know and hate…). You’re likely very devout in your faith and pray regularly for the safety and well-being of others. You are kind, for the most part, but will take slights against you and yours and little betrayals within your own family too personally sometimes, and it can often result in you making it your personal goal to avenge your loved ones. Perhaps your biggest crime is that you love and care too much, and sometimes let this cloud your judgement. Tullys tend to have beautiful auburn hair and dark blue eyes.
Fuck you Portuguese Stereotypes. /MA problem.