That was the worst Facebook status I’ve ever seen.

The Staypuft Marshmallow Man

The Staypuft Marshmallow Man

Hello folks. I’m here to comment on a facebook status that I read today. I’m not going to name the person who posted it. It’s not someone I’m going to just go and hang out with I don’t think, nor do I ever think they will see this article. If they were to see it, I would hope that they would come away from it feeling educated and enlightened.

The status in question, nearly an hour after I’ve seen it, has 11 likes and no comments. I had briefly considered defriending the person who made it, but I realized that since I am not friends with any of these likers, I cannot defriend those people. I want to, but I simply can’t unless I sent friend requests to all of them, then suddenly and dramatically defriend all of them. So I remain friends with the person who made this status, and I’m quietly thinking of a way that I can inflict some kind of harm on the 11 likers.

Facebook statuses aren’t art. Anybody can do it, and you don’t need any talent. Facebook let’s JUST ANYBODY write WHATEVER THEY WANT on there. It’s ridiculous. On a scale of one to ten, the following would be a seven:

I just had lunch. It was good.

That is an amazing facebook status. I would like the shit out of that status. You’ve told me something about your life and how you feel about it. Bravo. We have all learned something today. Let’s crack open the champagne and celebrate our great accomplishment.

This is the greatest album of all time. Unrelated to this article in any way.

This is the greatest album of all time. Unrelated to this article in any way.

So, why then, am I simply not just clicking the comment link and writing “GO TO HELL, JERK!”? I don’t know. That probably would have saved me some time. But here I am, having googled for a bunch of unrelated images to include in this article and I’m 300 words in. I can’t quit now. I want to, but I’m committed to this. Did I mention I have a lot I need to get done today?

At this point, I guess I should divulge what I’m talking about here. It’s really been unnecessary to string you all along this far, and like I said, I’m busy. So here goes; this was the status.

Ready for Downton Abbey!!!!! …still do not understand why biggest loser would put the primer on at the same night as Downton…

Now I’m no expert on television. I have posted many articles on Kittensharks that prove that I might not even be qualified to watch television myself. Have you read both of my articles about Dr. Who? Look, I am rewatching the original Star Trek series while I’m writing this, and I can remember a time where someone accused me of not liking science fiction, because I am an ill-informed jerk.

A re-used image of Mary Steenburgen. Is she on Downton Abbey? I wouldn't know.

A re-used image of Mary Steenburgen. Is she on Downton Abbey? I wouldn’t know.

But here’s the thing. That’s cool. You’re ready for Downton Abbey. As far as I can tell, I think you’re also a fan of the Biggest Loser. That’s great. You go get ’em, champ. I haven’t seen either one of these shows. The fact that all my idiot friends are tweeting about them and making facebook statuses about them assures that I probably never will see them.

A quick recap. I’m bad at television. Bad at it! You don’t understand why the Biggest Loser ¬†would put an important episode on at the same time as Downton Abbey.

I know why. I get it.

According to a google search I did, Downton Abbey is on PBS and the Biggest Loser is on NBC. They are on competing networks. Done! That is why these shows are on at the same time. Isn’t that friggen incredible? That’s right, these competing networks, which by the way do not want you to watch each other’s content, are making you CHOOSE whether you want to pretend you’re fancy or pretend you’re not as fat as these other assholes. They don’t want you to do both, because these shows are not being provided to you by the same media organization.

Again, The Third Doctor

Again, The Third Doctor

No one at NBC said to anyone else who was there anything like “Wait a minute, Steve, PBS is airing Downton Abbey tonight, we CAN’T air The Biggest Loser. People will be upset!” Then Stephen Burke, the CEO of NBC (also googled) pulls a lever and The Biggest Loser is pushed to another night and reruns of Charles in Charge take its place. Trust me, I wish that would happen, too. I want to see Charles in Charge back in prime time. Who doesn’t? But that’s not the world we live in.

Really, that’s all I had to say. Your status was bad. YOU’RE THE BIGGEST LOSER (not me for writing this).

It was good.

It was good.

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