Hi everybody. It’s me again: the world’s biggest Dr. Who fan. I know you haven’t heard from me in over two weeks and some of you have been starting to get worried. Fear not, for I am alive. I have been traveling through time and space just like Dr. Who in his famed DeLorean (and horse-drawn sleigh in the third season). Well, I wish. In fact, I have been in hiding. You see, I have caught a LOT of flack for my previous article about Wholievership. There have been several comments so obscene I absolutely had to delete them, death threats against me and my family, and one guy nailed a copy of Martin Luther’s 95 Theses to my front door, only he changed all of them to be relevant to Dr. Who. Actually that last guy seems pretty cool. I might invite him to join the Secret Order of Wholievers.
Why are so many people outraged? There are a few reasons that an undeveloped mind might find anger at my previous article. I’m here to enlighten and cast away the fury. Learn from my wisdom so that someday you might even become a Junior Member of my secret society.
First of all, I didn’t talk about the Doctor’s assistants. None of them. For that I apologize. For those who don’t know, the Doctor’s assistants, or Nurses, are characters that travel with the doctor at the head of his caravan as he approaches each new settlement to heal their wounded. These characters are usually lifeless and vapid actresses, cast only to be eye candy to assist those who maybe didn’t get to see enough of the episode of Lexx that preceded Dr. Who that night. As a Wholiever, I consider myself to be a more mature individual who has moved on from such base needs (within the confines of the show. Of course I have base needs when I’m not watching Dr. Who.)
But since the people demanded it so thoroughly and violently, I suppose I can’t go on
ignoring the Nurses for that much longer. I’ll highlight a COUPLE of them, but really, as a true Wholiever I’m far beyond that. First up is current pop sensation Melanie Brown. Now, while most only know her as the star of the movie Spice World, very few remember that she was actually The Doctor’s first companion and also the only British actor ever to appear in the series. Her tenure lasted for seven episodes. Up until that time, no British actor had ever played the same character on film for more than three hours. Purists will say that after you remove scenes she did not appear in and time allotted for commercial breaks she was actually only on screen and in character for 12 minutes. This is not a fair assessment. Those people are jerks.
I really loved Melanie’s performance, but it did lack the depth of some of the other Nurses. In the late nineties, when Dr. Who was battling for control of the coveted Friday night prime time slot against ratings behemoth Moesha, the producers had to take some risks. All at once the entire cast was fired and social issues were brought to the forefront of the new episodes. Zachary Ty Brian was cast as the newest and to date only gay doctor. His Nurse? None other than Sasha Mitchell. Bravo.
Now, your average Whovian is pretty much just a sensationalist and probably also pretty immature, so they didn’t appreciate the social commentaries the show was trying to make with these groundbreaking episodes. Quickly, the plug was pulled on this more conscientious Dr. Who and the series was restored to it’s standard fare of buxom blonde models parading themselves on camera for a shot at becoming famous. This is what Sasha was replaced with:
Can you believe that? Thanks guys. Your insistence on me talking about all the Doctor’s damned nurses has depressed me. My Wholievership is in crisis. You can all go to hell.