Do you Wholieve in life after love?

As everybody already knows, I am pretty much the world’s biggest Wholiever. What is a Wholiever, you ask? It is a Whovian who is so Whovian that it has practically replaced religion in their life. If you have never met a Wholiever that is because you’re probably poorly educated and were raised by assholes. It’s not your fault, it’s your parents’ fault.

Today I wanted to take some time to talk about Dr. Who: a show so good it can only be

Hot Shit.

compared to itself. Have you watched it? It’s basically your run of the mill medical drama, but it’s super captivating and the characters are astoundingly realistic. This is why the show is called Dr. Who. It’s about this doctor that performs these amazing and risky surgeries every day, but in the end he is just a normal guy like you and me. That’s what makes it so wonderful to see each week when the new episodes debut on the Sci-Fi Channel right after that week’s new episode of Lexx. First I get a boner from watching that sexy space porn, then I get my heart pumping with patriotism watching the greatest American produced television show of all time: the unparalleled Doctor Who.

Known to all of us Wholievers simply as “The Creator”

It’s important to remember that the episodes of Dr. Who that you are watching today are just re-filmed scripts from the show when it first ran on cable access in the seventies. All Wholievers and most Whovians will be quick to let you know that the original series is much better. The big budgets and extravagant effects only take away from the wonderful screenwriting first put to the page by Michael J. Fox, the show’s creator. A little known fact is that Mr. Fox wrote all the scripts for the original series while he was in prison, and that the “Doctor” was originally supposed to be a prison guard. Powerful stuff.

Over the years the role of The Doctor became known throughout Hollywood as a “cursed” role. Each actor who donned the role of the titular character would meet an unfortunate end or some other tragedy. Most famously, the third Doctor, Wesley Snipes, had to spend some time outside the U.S. while he tried to overcome a tax crisis created by his accountant. His accountant, of course, had been shot down for the role of the Doctor when he auditioned. Many consider hiring an out of work actor with a grudge to be his accountant was a bad move on Snipes’ part. I say it was his greatest accomplishment.

The Third Doctor

Another of my favorite actors who played The Doctor was Time Magazine’s 3-time Man of the Year, Jerry O’Connell. O’Connell played the Doctor for more episodes than all of the other actors who starred in the series combined.

Jerry “O’Connell” Sandusky

This is largely due to the fact that O’Connell was still credited throughout the entire five year run after his departure when veteran actor Robert Floyd stepped in and took his place. O’Connell was considered merely to be on medical leave. During his hiatus O’Connell was mostly unable to work, though he managed to appear briefly in the classic Joe’s Apartment and the clever sequel Joe vs. the Volcano, where all the stakes were raised, and this time, it was personal.

Many people will argue that O’Connell was the greatest Doctor but I disagree. I liked O’Connell alright, I tell you, but his performances are lackluster when compared to the actor who was inarguably the best Doctor. This Best Doctor also managed to be the only actor who escaped the curse. Currently living in his mansion beneath a waterfall (delightfully inspired by a classic Doctor Who/Inspector Gadget crossover special sweeps week event) is the greatest Doctor. That Doctor is of course, George Clooney. No one can really say what it is that helped Clooney bring the show back from the brink of cancellation. Perhaps it was the 60,000 letters he fraudulently wrote claiming to be a fan of the show, each one signed by a different pseudonym and expertly hand written in it’s own unique penmanship. That, or it’s because he wasn’t afraid to do full frontal.

Doctor Poot

And DID HE EVER. Not a single episode of Clooney’s run on the series was lacking in the nudity department, even when the script didn’t call for it! His dedication to nudity earned him a sweet cameo in the Dr. Who porn parody: Doctor Poot. He played the Janitor.

Well, that’s about all the time I have to discuss Dr. Who with you non-Wholievers. There’s a new episode debuting in a few minutes and I heard a rumor that they’re finally going to end this dream sequence with all the aliens, space, and magic bullshit and get back to some good old fashioned sex change surgery. I can’t wait! So I’ll see you all next week. Until then, as the Doctor says to each and every villain he vanquishes: “Now you’re going to jail! Suck on that, asshole!”

 

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