Ocars. That Fat Cat.

So, for this article I’m going to try something different.  It’s going to be a semi-stream of conscious article written while residing at J.Bowies residence with Zelda and Dan. Like most things I write it will jump around, contain many typos, be poorly edited and be 90 percent bullshit.


I realized that I use the word “douche” quite a bit. Dealing with Hollywood makes this even harder where being one is a requirement to succeed. After consulting wordologist Dan Neff and a quick Google later I came up with a short list of words synonymous with douche. I’m going to try to make the follow paragraphs douche free.

The words I will strive to work into this alcohol fueled article are:

  1. Asshat
  2. Assclown
  3. Tool
  4. Jerkoff
  5. Scrote
  6. Annnndd this guy – Jersey Trash


I will now try to spice up my writing and vocabulary.

Fun fact: Ben Franklin made a list of 200 synonyms for the word drunk. Thanks Dan!

…And I hate you Kelly Osborne, you’re a talentless hack. ß You’ll see this quite a bit.

Now I’ll be honest – When I first was invited over to watch the Oscars I had figured there was another fat cat in the house and we would be watching them in a fight to the death over some scraps of food. Then I realized the current Oscar (cat) would collapse into a diabetic coma if ever forced to move his fat ass off the cable box. Disappointed, I decided that for you Dear Readers, I would brave the dark world of popular culture.

It’s currently 06:56 PM and armed with snack food and alcohol I sit awaiting the onslaught. I have armed myself with a STRONG Rum and ginger ale. Let’s see where this goes.

I’m going to preface ALL of this with the fact that I don’t follow pop culture, I know of very few actors by name and don’t know most of these asshats (was going to say douchebags) on the TV.

I underestimated the difficulty of writing this article not knowing most of the people in this ceremony. Right now there’s some assclown on TV. His name, I eventually learned from captions, is Jason Segel.

This is a caption and/or Jason Segel

I don’t know who he is but apparently he is a Muppet. It seems that marionettes have gotten so advanced they can look like a modern Hollywood douche. Jim Hensen is rolling in his grave – if he’s dead at least. And if he is dead, why is he not suspended in marionette animation like the Segel puppet?

..And I hate you Kelly Osborne, you’re a talentless hack.

I’m almost positive I just saw Kelly Osborne on TV commenting on god knows what. WHY ARE YOU STILL AROUND?! You’re not relevant and you’ve never heard a real career. The shitty stick figure flash animations I made in the 8th grade are

1: Far more attractive then you
2: Demonstrated more talent.
3: Created with software I stole from Piratebay.

Jonah Hill may have lost 20 pounds but proves that once you make typecast as “That fat kid” you’re always known as “the fat kid from Super Bad” Everyone needs a fat sad sack in a comedy and at least you’ll never run out of work. I don’t know who that middle aged troll next to you was. At first I was going to make a mom joke due to her obvious advanced age but I figure it’s probably your date. Apparently money won’t get you better then water trash.

Second strong rum and ginger ale

..And I hate you Kelly Osborne, you’re a talentless hack.

Sasha Baron Cohen. Where do I start? Let’s start with…

I hate you. I JUST HATE YOU.

The only good thing you ever did was spill ashes on Seacrest. “Hi I’ma Borat”. No, you’re a stupid troll jerkoff. But at least your cooler then Ryan Seacrest. It may have been taken from “The Guild” but J.Bowie pulled this quote out at the right time. “Retard cousins ride the short bus, not drive it.” And Cohen is the proverbial retard cousin.

…And I hate you Kelly Osborne, you’re a talentless hack.

Tina Fey. Well, to be honest. I don’t really hate you. In fact I love your portrayal of Sarah “Maverick” Palin. That being said when you told Ryan Seacrest he was a victim of comedy in reference to getting ashes dumped on him from Sasha Cohen you were wrong.  He’s a victim of the Hollywood machine churning out talentless hacks with the personality of a freshly taken turd. I still hate him.

…And I hate you Kelly Osborne, you’re a talentless hack.

Brady Cooper. Granted I never knew your name (like 99.9 of plebeians I meet) but you made some movies I enjoyed. I want to know what possessed to grow that mustache. It reminds me of the guy that would take the kids near where I live down into the dark alley way and say “This is how you don’t touch people.”  ….. I feel like I’ve said too much. Moving on.

At this point the Oscars have actually started and because of the numerous miles I’ve put on my liver (mostly for your entertainment) I no longer have the spiritual or physical strength to go on. I’m now going to pass out in an opiate and alcohol induced coma (prescription you judgmental fucks, well maybe not the alcohol).

Why yes I do.

I hope you Frodo Douchebaggins out there appreciate what Ive done here and that Ill never have deal with these –

* coma *


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