How to be an Asshole: Fun Ways to Annoy Your Boyfriend!

Like any girl in love, I know that there are times to be a good girlfriend and times to be myself (an asshole).  I try to maintain a healthy balance in order to avoid being too nice or being too big a jerk because either can result in disaster; the former will make Nick suspicious that I want something while the latter could go beyond him thinking my attitude problem is cute and make him break up with me and/or kill me.  There is a happy medium, and it is called “adequately nice.”  What do I mean?  I should think it is obvious, but I will explain.

Being too nice to people after having established that you are, as in my case, kind of an asshole, can hurt them.  How?  In Nick’s case, he is also an asshole, so he knows that if I am being a touch too sweet for too long and for seemingly no reason, I want something that will probably cost him effort and/or money.  In the case of other people, it could encourage false hope in their hearts that you have changed and are becoming a nice person.  This is worse than making Nick think I want something.  Don’t do that.  In the first place, I almost always do want something, so I’m not creating a false belief; in the second place, you probably aren’t going to change so why are you toying with people’s emotions?  (There’s being an asshole and there’s being a douchebag, douchebag!)

So, now that we have established a good reason to sometimes annoy the shit out of your boyfriend, what are some fun ways to do it?  This is what works for me:

  1. The Harry Potter TacticYou’ll see why it is called this almost immediately, but you will obviously need to adapt it to what is available and matches your interests at the time.  Make him go to part one of a two-part movie that wraps up a story begun six movies ago – six movies he’s never seen and knows nothing about the story involved.  That’s step one.  Step two is to then make him watch movies one through six out of order “because they mean so  much to you.”  Third and final step: make him take you to part two  of the seventh movie; then make him buy you dinner so you can talk about it.
  2. The “But I’ve Never Seen this Oooooonnne!!!” TacticNote the emphasis on “one.”  It should be whined and pronounced “whuuuuuuun.”  Pick a show that you love and he hates, especially if you have seen the episode several times.  If it is a marathon, all the better.  In my case, it was four straight hours of “My Cat from Hell” followed by the “Too Cute: Kittens” episode with Bengal, Persian and Abyssinian kittens on Animal Planet.  Nick hates living things, so this was extra bonus land!  With each episode, remind him that you haven’t seen it (even if you have) and watch it.  Talk about how great it is (ex: “Awwwww that kitty jumped so cute!!!”) over and over.  When approximately 5 minutes are left in the final episode, say, “This is my favorite part!” because it adds insult to injury by pointing out that you have, in fact, seen it before.
  3. The “Oh, nothing” Tactic (Classic)You both know this tactic, but classics, like wizards, never die.  Your boyfriend asks what is wrong, you say “Oh, nothing.”  That’s not the right way.  Here is the way: Say something at half volume with a perplexed look on your face while staring at some (imaginary) thing on his face or hair.  When he asks, “What?” quickly say, “Oh, nothing!”  And I mean quickly!!!  If your boyfriend is as shallow and materialistic as I am or my boyfriend is, it will set off a hilarious chain reaction.  Even if he isn’t, it will confuse the shit out of him.
  4. The “Whatever you want is fine … Oh, Okay” Tactic (Classic)This is one of my favorites.  It has the added benefit of making him worry about you before he realizes what a jerk you are being and just gets annoyed but can’t stop worrying a little.  Lol.  It’s dinner time and your boyfriend is thoughtful enough to ask, “What do you want to eat, sweetheart?”  You casually respond, “Whatever you want is fine,” to which he replies with his suggestion.  Now, no matter what the suggestion is–even if you agree with it–you respond with a halfhearted, “Oh, okay.”  Instant boyfriend panic!  Keep it going for as long as your conscience lets you, then genuinely interject with a pleasant tone that you really do want to have what he suggested.  He will never be sure.
    1. Sub-Rule: “I’m fine.” – answer any question with, “I’m fine” with any tone and you will be rewarded.
  5. The “Look What He did for His Girlfriend” Tactic (Classic)Literally everyone knows this tactic.  See a girl on the street with flowers?  Don’t have any for yourself?  USE IT.  Find a new situation and repeat.  I find that this is a particularly fun way to annoy if your boyfriend is picking you up at an airport or train station because there is always going to be someone getting flowers.  And eventually it will be you!
  6. The “Doing Something Nice” TacticAfter a full week of annoying the shit out of him, this one will really confuse him!  Bake some cookies or whatever your boyfriend likes.  He will be thrilled to have them.  Then, when he is headed for work, make sure you give him a couple cookies to go in the absolute least masculine little baggie you can find for transporting baked goods.  When his temptation is too strong, he will have to take the cookies out in front of people at the office.  They will make fun of him.  (When I used this tactic, I sent Nick to work with cookies in a reusable cookie bag from etsy that had little gnomes and kitty cats on it.)
  7. The “I’m Pregnant, JK LOL” Tactic (Classic)Everyone, and I mean everyone, knows this hilarious prank.  So be creative.  My favorite ways to do this are through greeting cards.  A surprise “We’re Expecting” card with “JK LOL Love you!!!” on the inside is a fun way to annoy your boyfriend.  However, you can be even more creative and have even MORE fun if you wait until Father’s Day and give him a card coming from a son or daughter.  He will immediately be alarmed, but you’ll get him extra good (Remember, adding insult to injury is always more fun than not doing it!) if you then sign your pet’s name on the inside.  For example, Nick will get a card from Kitten this year saying “Happy Father’s Day, Daddy!” and I’ll sign it “Kitten” with a paw print and everything!  He will call me “just the worst” but still think I am charming and cute (which is the point).
  8. The “Creepy Pet Love” TacticThis one is specific to girls who love their pet(s) (in my case, a cat) who have boyfriends who are in feuds with said pet(s).  Sit next to your boyfriend and cuddle your pet.  Gaze lovingly at him or her and talk sweetly about how he or she is your baby and just so precious, then, eyes wide with affection, look up at your boyfriend and say, “Baby, we made this!”  Follow that statement immediately with a giggle so he knows you are not serious and, in fact, are aware that you did not conceive and give birth to the pet.  If he thinks you are at all that crazy, he will rightfully leave you in an instant.
  9. The “Using Strange/Cute Noises in Lieu of Words to Get What You Want” TacticThis is a Zelda CLASSIC; you might not be able to do it.  Since childhood I have made pterodactyl noises (a screeching sound I make from the throat by breathing in).  It is adorable.  Briefly mention in as few words as possible something you want or want to do.  When he inquires for further information, assume he can read your mind and just start making a cute fuss and squirming around as if the obviousness of what you are trying to say and his lack of comprehension is the most bewildering thing in the world.  Eventually, Nick he will start repeating “Use your words!”  UNDER NO CIRCUMSTANCES USE YOUR WORDS.  Eventually he will realize what you are up to and it will be over.  And you’ll probably get what you want. 😀

So, there’s a brief list of the FUN ways I like to annoy Nick.  Keep in mind, moderation is a virtue and no dude deserves to be annoyed all the time.  Keep it creative but in check.

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