How To Be Cool, step 01: Take up Smoking!

Whether you smoke cigarettes, cigars, or even pipe tobacco, one thing is definitely true: smoking makes you look really cool.

Sure, it poses health hazards and over time slowly murders you, but there’s no denying that while you’re doing it, you look friggen awesome.

One might think that the tobacco industry would come up with safer cigarettes, but that would take away some of the coolness factor. When you’re smoking, you don’t give a crap about what you are doing to yourself: you are simply exhibiting a small portion of how awesome you are.

As a society we work to persecute our smokers. Lawmakers and angry parents with nothing better to do spend countless hours and millions of dollars inconveniencing smokers everywhere just because they’re uncool douchebags, and rather than become cool people themselves, they choose to hurt and attack the American Elite and Trendy.

Now, some people try to smoke to be cool, but they do it wrong. Just being able to smoke isn’t enough. One should take careful consideration into making sure that they are only smoking when it’s awesome to do so.

For example, you should never, ever smoke after sex. Television and movies tell you to that it’s a wise decision to do so, but that’s just not right. Remember, the reason we are smoking is to appear cooler: to impress people. If you’re smoking after sex, you’re just displaying a lack of confidence in your own sexual prowess.

As for me, I don’t smoke. I think excessive smoking is gross and I really don’t need to do anything to make myself any cooler. Feel free to try smoking at your own risk, though. I don’t care what you do to yourself.

One final note: Amanda Freitag, occasional judge on the Food Network’s show Chopped, smokes two packs of cigarettes a day, and instead of breakfast has a whole bag of chew every morning, and she will never be cool.

This has been the first in a series of articles on how to be cool. If you have any specific questions on how to be cool, or a followup question to any of these articles you can send them to jason@kittensharks.org, or tweet them to @xjustinxbaileyx with the hashtag #howtobecool. Now leave me alone while I settle in to write Harry Potter fanfiction.

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