Some months ago, one of my first kittensharks articles was a review of Amazon’s Kindle Fire; I discussed the purchase in terms of what made me decide to buy it instead of an iPad ($$$) and what I found useful about it in terms of my life and how I would be using it. These are pretty general terms for a review, and I still think that, at that time, I made the right decision. Things changed a few months later and I needed more productivity than the Kindle Fire could provide, so I was forced to make a change in devices. Here is the story about how and why I bought an iPad as well as a description of its usefulness to me.
Its all happened to us. We write down the wrong number. We remember the number wrong. That cute girl at the bar gave you the number to the pizza place down the street. Somehow, despite all of our best attempts, we send make a mistake and get the wrong message to the wrong person. This is a guide to what to do when you are on the receiving end of that other person’s mistake. Because hey, people won’t learn from their mistakes unless you embarrass them, right? The following information is a true story, and should only be attempted by professionals and jerks.
Step one is to try and make the other person assume you are person that they were texting to. This sounds easy, but actually takes a bit of work. The professionals do extensive research and accurately replicate the other person’s texting fingerprint. On a side note, fun science fact:
Hey, friends. It’s time for us kittensharks to take time out of teaching you how to be cool, how to be an asshole and all of the other delightful things we bring to you and focus our energy on something really important: getting Kenny Pickto Netroots Nation.
I will leave it to the good people at Democracy for America to explain what Netroots Nation is, but having already shown you what a great dude Kenny is, I’d like to ask if you would take a minute of your day and vote for him to attend. The competition is for a scholarship, which Kenny deserves more than anyone. He is an amazing advocate for the working class and for anyone who has ever felt like exploding their brains because of what goes on in today’s politics and the world in general. He has an amazing capacity for sniffing out interesting news and bringing it to us all for free.
All you have to do is go to this website and add your name to the list. It requires your email, which is never shared, and that’s all. Please take a second to do this. If you use twitter, tweet @kenpickles and let him know you’ve got his back. Tweet @zeldamacgregor and I’ll tweet that you’re awesome.
My fellow kitten shark, Jason, started this series on how to be cool. I felt it was indeed necessary to branch out with his idea and here I am now to explain how Skateboarding will make you cool.
First off though, you can’t just have any skateboard you buy from Target or Walmart, you need to go out and buy one of those ridiculously expensive ones like Element, Birdhouse, Enjoi, etc. Just google skateboard brands. Being cool isn’t something that comes free. You need that $70 deck and then all of those expensive parts. Which brings me to my next step, you must buy the parts separately. Buying everything all in one will just convince people you don’t know anything about the parts. So either put it all together yourself, or pay someone to do it for you. Paying someone is different than buying it all put together because it shows you have money, which is another way on how to look cool so its basically a two in one package.
Now that you have the skateboard, you need the clothes, which will involve more money. As long as you look like Pac Sun or Zumiez puked on you, your fine.
It doesn’t hurt to know how to skateboard unless you want to be one of those poser, and you can’t be cool if your a poser.
Once thats all set, just hang out at the skatepark from sunrise to sunset with other skateboarders and make sure people see you! Once you rule the skatepark feel free to conquer any public places like parks, parking lots, somebody’s front steps, ANYWHERE. Your cool at this point so you can do whatever the f*ck you want.
If you want to be cool, try out skateboarding.
Sure, it poses health hazards and over time slowly murders you, but there’s no denying that while you’re doing it, you look friggen awesome.
One might think that the tobacco industry would come up with safer cigarettes, but that would take away some of the coolness factor. When you’re smoking, you don’t give a crap about what you are doing to yourself: you are simply exhibiting a small portion of how awesome you are.
As a society we work to persecute our smokers. Lawmakers and angry parents with nothing better to do spend countless hours and millions of dollars inconveniencing smokers everywhere just because they’re uncool douchebags, and rather than become cool people themselves, they choose to hurt and attack the American Elite and Trendy.
Now, some people try to smoke to be cool, but they do it wrong. Just being able to smoke isn’t enough. One should take careful consideration into making sure that they are only smoking when it’s awesome to do so. Continue reading