Wait, what just happened? Something You May Know

Some of you may be shocked to find out that my posts on kittensharks aren’t supposed to be exclusively about making fun of things that Rob likes. Sometimes I write about things I used to like but pretty much can’t stand anymore. Today I’m going to write about a third type of topic: Something Rob likes that I am in complete agreement on.

Just lump this into the pile with Dr. Who and Lost already, Rob.

I don’t really know how it happened. It was all kind of a blur to me. Rob came to our place for what I had expected to probably be a night of watching Rifftrax or perhaps playing some Beerio Kart, when he blurted out that he wanted to join in some online trivia show. I can’t remember if I actually face-palmed myself or if I just really wanted to at the time. I’ve got nothing against trivia shows and nothing against things Rob likes (despite all evidence to the contrary on the latter), it’s just that when Rob gets into something, he gets into it in such an intense way that I’ll dislike it because I know it isn’t possible for me to enjoy it as much as he does. I secretly envy him. (Okay, it’s not a secret.)

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I saw her face, now I’m a Wholiever.

Hi everybody. It’s me again: the world’s biggest Dr. Who fan. I know you haven’t heard from me in over two weeks and some of you have been starting to get worried. Fear not, for I am alive. I have been traveling through time and space just like Dr. Who in his famed DeLorean (and horse-drawn sleigh in the third season). Well, I wish. In fact, I have been in hiding. You see, I have caught a LOT of flack for my previous article about Wholievership. There have been several comments so obscene I absolutely had to delete them, death threats against me and my family, and one guy nailed a copy of Martin Luther’s 95 Theses to my front door, only he changed all of them to be relevant to Dr. Who. Actually that last guy seems pretty cool. I might invite him to join the Secret Order of Wholievers.

This the emblem of the Secret Order of Wholievers. If you have to ask why you’ll never be allowed to join our club.

Why are so many people outraged? There are a few reasons that an undeveloped mind might find anger at my previous article. I’m here to enlighten and cast away the fury. Learn from my wisdom so that someday you might even become a Junior Member of my secret society.

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Do you Wholieve in life after love?

As everybody already knows, I am pretty much the world’s biggest Wholiever. What is a Wholiever, you ask? It is a Whovian who is so Whovian that it has practically replaced religion in their life. If you have never met a Wholiever that is because you’re probably poorly educated and were raised by assholes. It’s not your fault, it’s your parents’ fault.

Today I wanted to take some time to talk about Dr. Who: a show so good it can only be

Hot Shit.

compared to itself. Have you watched it? It’s basically your run of the mill medical drama, but it’s super captivating and the characters are astoundingly realistic. This is why the show is called Dr. Who. It’s about this doctor that performs these amazing and risky surgeries every day, but in the end he is just a normal guy like you and me. That’s what makes it so wonderful to see each week when the new episodes debut on the Sci-Fi Channel right after that week’s new episode of Lexx. First I get a boner from watching that sexy space porn, then I get my heart pumping with patriotism watching the greatest American produced television show of all time: the unparalleled Doctor Who.

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How To Be Cool, step 01: Take up Smoking!

Whether you smoke cigarettes, cigars, or even pipe tobacco, one thing is definitely true: smoking makes you look really cool.

Sure, it poses health hazards and over time slowly murders you, but there’s no denying that while you’re doing it, you look friggen awesome.

One might think that the tobacco industry would come up with safer cigarettes, but that would take away some of the coolness factor. When you’re smoking, you don’t give a crap about what you are doing to yourself: you are simply exhibiting a small portion of how awesome you are.

As a society we work to persecute our smokers. Lawmakers and angry parents with nothing better to do spend countless hours and millions of dollars inconveniencing smokers everywhere just because they’re uncool douchebags, and rather than become cool people themselves, they choose to hurt and attack the American Elite and Trendy.

Now, some people try to smoke to be cool, but they do it wrong. Just being able to smoke isn’t enough. One should take careful consideration into making sure that they are only smoking when it’s awesome to do so. Continue reading

Jason unloads some Nerd Rage on you all

I’m going to let you in on a very poorly kept secret. I am a huge nerd. Most of my friends are nerds. Some of them are even dorks. There’s nothing wrong with it. It just means that my hobbies revolve less around physical competition and a lot more around space ships and wizards.

I was a latecomer to 2nd Edition AD&D. When it comes to roleplaying games she was my first. She was both brainy and beautiful, complex and colorful, but with classic tastes. Our wonderful relationship was short lived, and doomed from the start. She was stuck in her own time, and with each passing day it became more and more of a long distance relationship.

Just as I was getting used to everything, understanding all the complexities and details of the lovely 2nd Edition, Wizards of the Coast slapped me upside the head with 3rd Edition. Easy, slutty 3rd Edition. The one that would be used by everyone. I hated it. It seemed like the entire world was rapidly embracing this fantastic piece of garbage. Continue reading

My 5 over 50. A revelation. For America.

For my inaugural post to KittenSharks, I’m going to reveal some truly, deeply personal information, for I feel that this is an introduction, and I believe that when one is presented with an introduction, they should drop some truly personal information on the unsuspecting douchebag to which they are being introduced, so that one has the advantage of being a more welcoming and personal friend than the other. Take that, new friend! That being said, I’ve decided to open up about a subject that most people wouldn’t normally touch upon.

Now, if you were to look at the “following” page on my twitter account you would probably not believe me in the slightest, but I believe that in some instances, that there are many women of truly striking beauty and fabulousness who are over the age of fifty. Actually, if you checked my twitter account you would find that the people I talk to the most are my best friend, a dude who is almost definitely as weird as I am, and a pair of teenage girls who won’t see their 20’s until long after I am dead. (I’m reasonably certain the lifestyle I lead will end with an unfortunate death in less than 2 years.) Continue reading