It was at a very young age that someone made the decision to put an NES controller into my hands. At my whim, Super Mario would run, jump, and shoot fireballs. From that point on, video games became my life and it was amazing. I grew up rescuing princesses, slaying dragons, and flying spaceships. I have a massive collection of games and consoles. I even have a guild tattoo on my shoulder. However- these days, a wave of shame would wash over me if I were to pick up a controller.
One thing to never do, for the love of God, is to accuse me of being a gamer. I would be forced to lash out, reacting as though you had just uttered a smear of the most hateful intensity one could imagine. I would scream “you take that back!” as I lunged at you. Hopefully a friend would intervene and help me to collect my calm. Why is that?
It’s that time of year again, kids. It’s May Fourth. It’s the day that all of us Star Wars fans band together and remind the world just how very much worse we are than fans of anything else. Usually I try to stay away from the whole May the Fourth thing, because even though I love Star Wars deep down in my heart, there’s only certain level of nerdiness that I can handle before I have to walk away. Also, I think we can all agree that May the Fourth is a holiday that the greeting card companies made up so they can sell off all the leftover Darth Maul valentine’s day cards- a task that becomes increasingly more monumental as each year the cross section of Star Wars fans who grew up thinking The Phantom Menace was cool and the demographic buying valentine’s day cards to hand out to their classmates grows smaller and smaller. But this year, May the Fourth is surrounded by controversy. Continue reading →
A few months ago, I started the game of thrones with Zelda and Jason since all errrrbody does is talk about how frickin’ great it is. Well…… I do not agree with the general public. THIS SHOW IS FUCKING WEIIIIIRD. So now I am giving this show a second chance but this time i feel like i should commentate it. So here we are watching Season 1 episode 4 skipping over episode 3 because the title and summery sounded dumb. Continue reading →
If you are, as I am, old enough to remember a childhood before constant threats of violence in schools, massive terrorist attacks and Dance Moms, but also young enough to have missed out on the larger parts of the Cold War, Vietnam or any of the many wars, really, then you remember a time where the scariest fucking thing that could happen to you was to be cornered by a King Cobra (Ophiophagushannah). It is true. Think back far enough, and at some point, we children of the early to mid 80’s had a genuine fear of King Cobras. They stand up with their hoods out and hiss at you, then bite you a bunch of times and you die. But FIRST, they have a hypnotizing effect on you, at least that is what I remember from some stupid book I had to read as a kid.* This is not listed as a Fast Fact on the best source on the Internet for King Cobra information, Cobras.org, so I can’t verify it, but I remember several instances where snakes (especially King Cobras) hypnotized people. (See also: Aladdin for Sega Genesis.)Continue reading →
Good Morning, everybody! I have an announcement for you: 2013 IS DEAD! I know we’re all still nursing New Year’s Eve hangovers but I think we can all go for another round to celebrate its demise. On second thought, maybe 2013 just got a bad rap for not being 2012. 2012 was kind of an overachiever and it was going to be naturally tough to live in the shadow of what a spectacular year that was. But screw it, I’m having champagne again: any reason is a good reason.
Finally back in my life after two days
So what’s your new year’s resolution? Wait, I don’t care. Well, I’m going to share mine so I guess share yours. Throw it in the comments section and the coolest one wins an as of yet undetermined prize. (Prize will not be good.) Continue reading →
So. Ive seen the first episode of Game of Thrones and that’s it. All I can say is there were some thing I could get behind like attempted child murder and others I counted like sister-banging.
I’m sitting in the central hub of all things important in Plymouth with two of my fellow kittensharks Ashley and Zelda with the smell of pasta and garlic wafting threw the air as I sip on a mixture of gin, cherry seltzer water and red bull, also known as my typing potion. What have I become?
I shall now press on and watch episode 3. Lord Snow. Go!
A few months ago, I started the game of thrones with Zelda and Jason since all errrrbody does is talk about how frickin’ great it is. Well…… I do not agree with the general public. THIS SHOW IS FUCKING WEIIIIIRD. So now I am giving this show a second chance but this time i feel like i should commentate it. So here we are watching Season 1 episode 4 skipping over episode 3 because the title and summery sounded dumb.
Food Network Star is a very special show, as far as I am concerned. I got hooked during the 2012 season, and it was something that punctuated what I will probably always consider to be the most amazing and magical Summer of my life.
Every Sunday I look forward excitedly to sitting down on the couch with Zelda and any of the other Kittensharks who happen to be around, turning on Food Network, and then throwing out all kinds of reactionary tweets for one intense hour. The tweeting about it is crucial to the experience. I’ve annoyed my real life friends (sucks to be you, @e_of_pi!), Made some new friends (shout out especially to @Rachaven, who is awesome), and gotten myself blocked by Giada (a Kittenshark rite of passage).
Today I was spending some time thinking about the dystopian society in which retired cereal mascots must live under the tyrannical rule of Colonel Sanders, Dave Thomas, or Fred the Donut Baker depending on the sugar content of the cereal that had forsaken them, as usual. You’re probably thinking it would be pretty cool if I laid all the details of what happened in the sad afterlives of the Cookie Crook or Wendell the Baker, but that’s another article. Actually, it might not even be an article so much as it is a mural I need to have commissioned. It’s a very serious undertaking for me considering the only biopic of Wendell the Baker, titled The Wendell Baker story, is grossly inaccurate and doesn’t mention Cinnamon Toast Crunch even once. Perhaps there was some kind of licensing issue with General Mills?
This gentle baker got away with murdering his team after a particularly soggy batch of CTC.
Anyway, that got me thinking about other dystopian societies, which in turn got me thinking about all the required reading I had to do throughout my education. (Required reading is wrought with images of worlds that are only slightly less depressing than being an adult.) All those hundreds of hours spent reading books when I could have been playing Nintendo. What was I supposed to have gotten out of that? A more informed world view? I don’t have that. Should it have made me a better person? It didn’t. Could I even remember what some of these stories were about? I don’t know, probably. I’m going to try to recount some for you.
Hello folks. I’m here to comment on a facebook status that I read today. I’m not going to name the person who posted it. It’s not someone I’m going to just go and hang out with I don’t think, nor do I ever think they will see this article. If they were to see it, I would hope that they would come away from it feeling educated and enlightened.
The status in question, nearly an hour after I’ve seen it, has 11 likes and no comments. I had briefly considered defriending the person who made it, but I realized that since I am not friends with any of these likers, I cannot defriend those people. I want to, but I simply can’t unless I sent friend requests to all of them, then suddenly and dramatically defriend all of them. So I remain friends with the person who made this status, and I’m quietly thinking of a way that I can inflict some kind of harm on the 11 likers.